My Dad Has Cancer!
It’s amazing how we think... “that will never happen to us” and then it does. Cancer always happens to someone else and then it happens to your dad. It’s been such a learning curve for me and I write about this because I want to share 11 important tips that have worked for me and my dad and which might help you through this terrible time.
An emotional roller coast, a time when one must reflect, understand, have patience and can comfort. As adults, we tend to have such little patience – I know that I did. Becoming a teacher and coach, has changed this for me and over the last couple of years I have learnt to build on and improve this weakness. This was all tested 2 months ago when I thought my dad was going to die, little did I know, he was dying and no-one, not even himself, knew it.
They call diseases like TB and hypertension, silent killers but I think that Cancer is the most silent of them all. It happens without pain, without knowing that you are being eaten up inside and there is no return. Then, when you finally find out it’s there, most of the time it’s too late. My dad was a sportsman, a healthy, strong individual, an example to all 5 of his kids. The funniest man in our family, the joker amongst friend and the sparkle at every party.
He was a mathematician and without being bias the smartest man in my life. Now 80, he is still the same guy just more wrinkles, thinner a bit forgetful but has the most incredibly positive attitude, more than any man half his age.
He had a full life but I am sure that he would have liked to have accomplished more, however he was happy being the best father that any kid could ask for. Then two months ago he lost 10kg and couldn’t walk, he thought that it was his brain that wasn’t working. He often joked saying, "I have to tell my brain to move my legs". It had nothing to do with his brain of course.
After rushing him to the hospital we found that he had no blood in his body and if we had left it a couple of days longer, he would have died there and then. His hemoglobin was 6 and it should have been 13-18. After doing a couple of tests we were told that his body was being attacked by cancer. One, esophageal cancer and the other was cancer on the lungs.
A sad story that could be put down on many blank pages but the reason for me writing this article is to share the biggest lesson that I learnt about how powerful our brain really is and how if we did things in a certain way it will make this journey so much easier.
Here was a man of 80 years, not once did he have anger, not once did he have negative thoughts. He was told that he had 6 months to live and he thought about it for some time and said, “I am lucky that I reached 80, I have had a good life and I am okay if it’s my time”. He had made up his mind that it was pointless being angry, cursing cancer or just being negative. His attitude and approach to this news was amazing and inspiring.
Yes, he was scared, yes, I was scared, but we had patience with each other and did what was needed, step by step, baby steps.
I know that our lives are stressful and we all must work – but nothing will replace this time that you have with a loved one on their last couple of months of their life. No amount of money could make me change my mind, do me a favour, drop everything and care for your parent.
Here are 11 tips, advice really, that I offer you. If you know of someone who is suffering or someone who is caring for someone who is suffering, this will help you or them.
1. Read up as much as you can about the specific cancer(s). This helps you to understand the disease and understand what your loved one is going through, and how to comfort them and answer their questions.
2. Have patience; there will be many questions and maybe some will be repeated but tell yourself that this is okay. Answer each question like it was the first time it was asked, because most of the time your parent won't remember that they've already asked that question – and what difference does this make anyway, let them ask it again. Be patient.
3. Remember you are the crutch right now, you are the hand that holds them up. It’s back to baby steps, we don’t rush a child when he learns to walk and so don’t rush an elderly when they need your support. Hold them strong so that they can feel safe.
4. Take the time to talk to each other and more so take the time to listen. We think that we’ve heard all the stories, they’re boring and there are no more interesting conversations to be had. Let me tell you something, there is so much more you can still learn from your parent, just take the time to listen and you will be surprised.
5. Don’t get angry with your parent, it’s amazing how parents become kid like again. It’s as if we do a full circle from baby to baby. Don’t shout or ignore when mistakes are made – maybe a glass is dropped or the plate of food overturns – tell yourself, “so what” and move on. Being angry makes them feel incompetent, even if they are, they still have their pride and need your respect – don’t forget this.
6. Comfort them when they feel embarrassed. You might be saying, “what? My parents aren’t embarrassed!”. When they reach 80 and they are vomiting or shitting and you must clean up after them – they are embarrassed, they have their pride and their ego, these things don’t go away just because they are older.
7. Talk softly. They might act like children but they aren’t and they don’t need to be shouted at. Of-course this does not mean in a low sounding voice but more like in a 'kind' voice. Again, patience.
8. Keep calm. Sometimes things are alarming and scary but just remind yourself that they are also feeling scared and alarmed. Just keep calm and do things slowly – rushing makes them panic more. Keep calm and it will rub off onto them.
9. No force feeding. If they don’t want to eat don’t tell them they MUST eat to keep healthy, it’s a lot of bog wash! They will eat when they are hungry and in the case of my dad, he must eat small mouthfuls and chew the food for a long time before he swallows. Again, help them and remind them of these things, softly. It’s like working with a child again and reminding them to sit up straight, chew your food, it’s quite funny. Keep in mind that you too will get old.
10. Hug them! You will be amazed at what a hug can do. At first, they are not used to it. Every day or night go and hug them and hold them for a second longer each time. Slowly you will feel them return this long hug and you’ll know it makes them happy.
11. Be Positive! If you know me then you'll know that I am a very positive person and it's wonderful having a dad who is also so positive. But for those of you who find negativity in this experience just remember, if you think and act positive then positive is transmitted and everyone around you will eventually become positive - try it, it's easier than you think, just don't give up.
Love like it's your last day - you never know when that day will come.
Ann Marot | ann@annmarot.com
